angel in disguise

it takes a lifetime to build a reputation.

it only takes a moment to tear it down.

i am no longer seventeen; an age where i can mess up my life as much as i want to and still come out clean in the end.

the privileges of being an adult comes with the price of facing the immediate consequences of my own actions. innocence can no longer prevail.

i never said i was good. even so, i myself cannot believe the enormity of what i've done.

regret? no. absolutely not.

surprised? you bet.

disappointed in myself? was. and still am.

to keep my mind off things (and to get away from people), i went to the top floor where we keep all this junk and started rummaging around for my old children's books...hoping that i could re-obtain the innocence that i lost.

that's when i found you.

i lost my copy of our high school's yearbook two years ago. i borrowed yours when you asked me to help organize the reunion. i haven't returned it to you yet, it seemed.

i found your copy in an old box filled with memories. the papers are yellowed, the cover a bit smudged, the pages curling at the corners. i did not dare flip through it, afraid of what i might find. of the things i might remember. of the realization how much things have changed since then. i put it aside.

to my surprise, i found my copy just a few books down in the same box. the pages still crisp, the cover still immaculately white.

i stared at both of the yearbooks. identical, except yours look so sloppy, as if portraying what you've been through all these years. mine is the picture of pure innocence, as if time stops moving with it.

the immaculate white cover might just be what it is: a cover. nobody knows what is really underneath it. you might be surprised at what you'll find. and in reality, time never stops. it keeps on moving and drags you along, resulting in changes you might be unwilling to face.

there's nothing you can do except hope. i continued to sit there, surrounded by unopened boxes which contained the past, staring at the two yearbooks. i wonder how looks can be so deceiving. finally, i vowed to myself that even though time forces me to take the same path, i will never, ever repeat the same mistakes again.