what you see is not the real me

and what do i care if you judge me by:

appearance, perangai, sikap

clothes, with tudung or not, baju murah ke mahal

grades, aku manusia normal juga yang layak mendapat A atau C atau gagal terus

kereta webby model mid 90s yang ringan boleh terbang

pendiam ke banyak cakap ke

kakak aku cantik, kenapa aku tidak? (rujuk gambar. yg dicari semata2 sbb minggu lepas ada banyak kali perbincangan tentang kebaya antara saya dan rakan2.)

eh aku sudah melebih-lebih ni.

i started out thinking i wanted to write a, naturally, entry with a tinge of emo-ness or runsing or gelisah tanpa sebab. then i decided what the heck, life will drag you down with it even if you scream yourself hoarse. go with the flow saje, i know it's still clichéd but who cares, who cares, who cares.

ini hidup saya.

so letting go is somehow easier, like smiling is easier to do rather than frown, mengalah is easier than standing your ground, tido saje is easier than berterusan membuat keje. heheh.

okay don't take me seriously, kesimpulannya hanyalah buat saja apa yang kamu mahu.
sebab setahun yang lalu saya cool macam air batu, but this year i'm not that cool.

did i melt?

hehe sronok btul entry merepek camni untuk menyedapkan hati. okay, mari balik keje. i love you all, my fans. jangan tolak-tolak, saya tau saya kachak.

oh ya. one more tip. i especially love it if someone's face lit up when they saw me. my nephew, my friends who've been waiting. etc. so i've been trying to do the same to everyone else, and believe me, aunty cleaner kat sini amat suka men-senyum kembali kat saya. hehe. so next time when you see me dari jauh ke dah dekat ke, sila senyum dengan gembira. i will love you so much, i promise.

all it takes is just a smile.

kata-kata

what will happen if the last words are "don't let go..."

oh, don't stay away from Juliet~

well, this is one of the times when i love a song so much, nothing can stop me.

We were both young when I first saw you

I close my eyes and the flashback starts

I'm standing there on a balcony in summer air

See the lights, see the party, the ball gowns

See you make your way through the crowd and say hello

Little did I know

That you were Romeo; you were throwing pebbles

And my daddy said stay away from Juliet

And I was crying on the staircase, begging you please, don't go

And I said Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone

I'll be waiting; all there's left to do is run

You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess

It's a love story - baby just say yes

So I sneak out to the garden to see you

We keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew

So close your eyes

Escape this town for a little while.

'Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter

And my daddy said stay away from Juliet

But you were everything to me

I was begging you please don't go

Romeo save me they're tryin' to tell me how to feel

This love is difficult, but it's real

Don't be afraid we'll make it out of this mess

It's a love story - baby just say yes

I got tired of waiting

Wondering if you were ever comin' around

My faith in you was fading

When I met you on the outskirts of town

And I said

Romeo save me

I've been feeling so alone

I keep waiting for you but you never come

.Is this in my head? I don't know what to think

He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring

and said

Marry me, Juliet you'll never have to be alone

I love you and that's all I really know

I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress

It's a love story baby just say yes

We were both young when I first saw you...

You electrify my life!

feel the buzz yet?

so i haven't heard Starlight by Muse on the radio for a long time now. it died with time and with new music, but it will never die within me. muse is so wonderful, why? because i like songs with lyrics so deep i cannot understand but thoroughly meaningful, can give many different interpretations and the music rocks, okay. lagipun muse mula digemari saya ketika cuti lepas spm tatkala rakan2 taiping setiap kali keluar bersama akan gila nak beli cd muse, download lagu muse, pakai t-shirt muse macam budak2 zaman sekarang pakai t-shirt hujan tapi itu macam annoying sikit lah.

so i like muse. take the name, for instance.

Etymology :From Middle French muse from Latin Mūsa

n
A source of inspiration, especially a woman providing inspiration for a male artist.

(archaic) A poet.

v
to muse

(intransitive) To become lost in thought, to ponder.

(transitive) To say (something) with due consideration or thought.


Kamus Inggeris-Melayu Dewan

a poet whose ~ has deserted him, pensyair yg kehilangan ilhamnya. (remember my entry with the same name? here's the inspiration.)

Muse n Dewi Kesenian: Clio is the ~ of history, Clio ialah Dewi Kesenian dlm sejarah.

beautiful ^_^

would love to include lyrics for you readers to muse upon.
tapi korang semua mesti dah tau sendiri kan. so, starlight is nice with electrifying my life and igniting all the souls that would die just to feel alive ;p

but my favourite has always been...

unintended

kisah diriku...

...seorang perobek plastik yang berjaya.

(aku suke betul ngelat menulis entri, kan? hehe)

and the sun will set for you...

...but it won't rise for me.


***


kempunan sekali, dua kali, tiga kali.
hat-trick.
tahniah, villa.

(jgn pedulikan ke-random-an ini.)

to-may-to, to-mah-to.

you guessed it right, once again i'll emphasise (BrE) and emphasize (AmE) on the difference between american and british english. might be going deeper this time.

inspired, or maybe annoyed, by the flyfm crew this morning sebab ia kedengaran macam gimik la about the usage of 'eleven hundred ringgit' which means RM 1100. true, americans use that often and we malaysians being educated with british english since primary school might not all know that it means seribu seratus sebab dengar macam sebelas ratus.
in 2nd grade, my teacher scolded me kaw2 punye because i wrote 'color' and 'neighbor' instead of 'colour' and 'neighbour.' i went home and marah2 my mother sebab saya ingat dia ajar salah because what i learned was with the suffix '-or'. my earliest education was in virginia, washington dc. not malaysia or united kingdom. of course we used '-or.'
same goes for judgment (AmE) and judgement (BrE).
and the difference between phrases and words such as windshield (AmE) and windscreen (BrE), license plate (AmE) and number plate (BrE), vacation (AmE) and holiday (BrE) etc. (which, comes from the Latin word et cetera meaning and so forth.)
but times have changed now and i think any kind of english is accepted.

what? any kind? i thought there's just two!

ohmygod you're wrong. have you forgotten australian? and maybe irish? singaporean? and our very own manglish?

it just means that the same thing has many different versions and we just have to accept and adapt.

you see, a language develops. starting from the Tower of Babel until now. the story begins where once upon a time the people in a place called Babel all speak the same language and they have no trouble communicating. then they decided to build a tower to reach the heavens. because of their excellent communication, the tower was built quickly. it almost reached the heavens when God got angry and punished them by making the people all speak different languages. they have trouble communicating and the tower could not be finished. well that was the history of translation, when people worked hard to understand each other and translated their different languages. ever wondered why the movie 'Babel' is named that way? or the most credible translation website is called Babelfish?

(btw, please correct me if im wrong about the Tower of Babel story. it's in the bible aandd..i've never read the original version lah kan.)

and don't get me started on borrowed words:-

sukkaar arabic and sugar english
souvenir french-to remember and souvenir english-memento

okay taknak bagi banyak.
what about the influence of Cockney English in the english language itself?

"why don't you take a gander at our house."

gander comes from hook and gander.
hook rhymes with look, so in the sentence above, gander means look.

Cockney English is kinda confusing for first-timers. for more info, just google it but if you want to hear interesting examples, watch My Fair Lady or a rather cool one, Ocean's 11 (or any of its sequels) and listen to the black bomb guy. he speaks Cockney English. saya tak tipu.

okay? but that's not all. i could fill up an entire dissertation just talking about our own language and bahasa serumpunnya (brunei dan indonesia), let alone combining it with english and its different types.

hope you readers like this additional information.

and another trivial info here, my sangat-garang-tak-ingat-punye chemistry teacher during matriculation was the one who persuaded me to take this course and making me what i am now. walaupun saya sangat suka kimia. walaupun kimia ialah subjek terbaik saya (next to english) masa matrik. walaupun saya kata cikgu, saya nak amik anything chemistry-ish time U nanti. i could have been her star student and continuing her cikgu-kimia-yang-garang legacy, but she gave me a slight nudge in this direction for me to pursue what i love most.

language.

and now i'm doing my best to stop subtitles such as 'lilin bikini' for 'bikini wax.'

owhh. T_T

taggy waggy lagi

I have been tagged by Aimy Izyan:

ONE.

If your lover betrayed you, how will you react?
Kelu tak terkata buat seketika kemudian cuba meneruskan hidup seperti biasa.

TWO.

If you can have a dream come true, what would it be?
Aha~ Mimpi saya menunggang My Little Pony menaiki pelangi.

THREE.

Whose butt would you like to kick?
Teens of 90210. Gile kaye-raye. Nak dating pun bleh naik private jet pegi San Fran from LA. Padahal belum abis sekolah menengah lagi. Kaye betul, rase nak marah je.

FOUR.

What would you do with a billion dollars?
Bayar utang-piutang belajar serta clearkan credit card ahli keluarga kemudian beli rumah kat Puncak Bangi atau Country Heights beli kereta baru yang boleh bergerak amat laju lepas tu lebih2 dia buat pegi holiday melawat keliling dunia.

FIVE.

Would you fall in love with your best friend?
Ia terlalu rumit dan terlalu...geli. Itu kawan baik aku, tidak teringin pun nak jatoh chenta kepadanya.

SIX.

Which do you think is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
Uh-huh. This is a neverending circle lah. You get one with the other. If you love someone, then certainly that someone is loved. So he is being loved by a someone that's you. And so on.

SEVEN.

How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?
Hm? Tiada masa mahu tunggu. Lambat tinggal. Hehe. Nasib baik dia cepat ;p

EIGHT.

If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
Rasa kecewa kejap lepas tu pegi main jauh2 dan cari yang tak bersambung.

NINE.

If you were to act with someone, who would it be? Your gf/bf or an actress/actor?
Cannot imagine neither.

TEN.

Would you invite your Ex bf/gf to your wedding?
Aiyoo. Mahukah dia datang? Ada je yg telah berubah menjadi kawan biasa so ajaklah kot.

...bila saya nak kawen?

ELEVEN.

How would you see yourself in ten years time?
Masih comel dan baik hati tapi lagi tua dari sekarang. (duh~)

TWELVE.

What’s your greatest fear?
Saya takut hantu.

THIRTEEN.

What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is
baik hati funny suka bergelak ketawa seperti saya!

FOURTEEN.

Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor?
aih. saya mahu kawen. pastu, tadi kan dah dapat satu bilion? whee~

FIFTEEN.

What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
pikir camane agaknye nak tido balik without being late for work.

SIXTEEN.

Would you give all in a relationship?
yah..i hv a weakness..a tendency to give all..lepastu kena betray hancur hati padan muka.

SEVENTEEN.

If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?
Tak baik tauu perbuatan itu. Ish. Tak baik. Tak baik!

EIGHTEEN.

Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing the someone has done?
Susah. Tp eventually forgive juga and forget tu lambat sikit.

NINETEEN.

Do you prefer being single or having a relationship?
Sewaktu single memang bes tapi being in THIS relationship lagi bes.

TWENTY.

List 5 people to tag
malas pulak. sesape nak buatlah.

sekali lagi, sendiri...atau memang selalunya begini?

in the list of priorities,
rupanya that chaotic friend mengatasi...

*mencari spell yang hilang*

~~~

settled. i have my 5-year plan. sekarang nak take it into action, kayuh pelan2, slow and steady wins the race.

~~~

tunggulah pukul 5.

*sigh* lambat lagi.

eh. pukul 5 saya adalah pukul 4 kamu.

^_^

dan saya teringat saat emotikon itu digunakan selepas saya menyatakan kekaguman tentang "...bayangmu dilatari rona jingga mentari senja yang menjadi situasi impian untuk ditembak, baik panorama mahupun potret..."

saya cuma teringat sahaja.

aku tetap rasa macam, kenapa dia? kenapa masih dia?

itu tajuk lain.
tajuk sebenarnya ialah "Snippets."
tak kisahlah kalau takde kaitan dengan hidup kau.

status ym seorang rakan berbunyi begini: "menghenti kebujangan."
adakah dia kawen tak ajak aku?

"hey, come on, kitorang nak tengok handphone you."
'eh takboleh la, handphone i sedang takde letrik~'

"stesen minyak cari dulu ah. kat depan yang ada lampu2 tu apa?"
'tol.'
#$%@!


***

okay dah.
serius sikit.

***

remember my post about 'stalkers, stalking'? it came back to haunt my friend last night, and we did a serioussss intervention. how can this be? i simply do not agree with what's happening. not one single slightest bit. so if you are in a situation where a relationship is complicated, imagine yourself being in the middle of this turmoil: a girl's ex girlfriend going out together with the girl and her boyfriend.

hamik kau.

lantas aku tinggalkan korang di stesen lrt sungai besi pastu dah jauh baru sedar lewat malam tren dah takde.

***

semua datang serentak, saya suka :) golongan matrik sudah pun dicapai untuk hangout, golongan petrosains dah ada picnic plan tak lama lagi, golongan tua-dan-bekerja telah call pada hari yang sama untuk bertemu, golongan keluarga telah kubawa bergembira pada malam selasa lalu, golongan taiping akan aktif bulan disember nanti.

sementara itu, biar saya dating2 dulu.

***

lelaki ini, saya rindu.

...yang muka amat berlagak ini. jahat nakal comot dan kurang waras kadang2. saya suka.

cemas!

tiba-tiba...

...

...

...

...saya rasa macam menyesal melepaskan peluang bekerja di altera.

tiba-tiba rasa macam nak kerja kat sana. tapi bukan bermaksud saya tak mahu kerja di sini. saya mahu kerja di kedua-dua tempat! dan juga amik masters in corp. communication kat upm! atau pursue interpreting! dan belajar untuk menjadi scriptwriter and because i miss being onstage, a dancer! omigod!

so much to do, so little time...


nak kawen lah.
masen, jom.

title track: wide awake and dreaming

i needed to get away, so i did. far away.

and it worked.



(sy akan update psl penang, psl wedding, psl foodies sbb dah janji dgn syarafie. pressed for time right now. tgu okeh.)

saya...

telah menukar nama blog.
baru lepas bermain hujan.
dah siap kerja.
tadi pegi beli goreng pisang...pisang goreng...?
mengalami mild pains here and there.
masih rasa nauseous.
berfikir macam mana nak pergi esok.
rs mcm nk balik rumah tp takde mood.
rasa sunyi walaupun...
sekarang saya amat sejuk.
ingin berhenti menaip walaupun banyak blog entri yg terfikir nak tulis mcm dulu2 tapi taknak dah la. it won't make any difference pun.
ok sila berhenti menaip sekarang.

one and only

you won't understand this if you're not a girl and you're not me.

i compare myself to people.
i try not to judge other people as much so to compensate on that, i judged myself a lot. i will find out that i'm good in this but she's better. i excel in that but she's a lot smarter. i am obviously no. 1 but she's got all the attention.
it's always, always about her.

i only want one thing that's mine. satu saja perkara yang orang lain takkan dapat tandingi.

satu je.


...please.

please be happy again

i am so terribly sorry for turning your life upside down.


*edited*

i wanted to go back to being me, right? so here's a quirky info for today.
pagi tadi saya dan mak saya shared a chocolate bar for breakfast sambil menyorok daripada ayah sebab takut kena marah.

ke mana tumpahnya kuah kalau tidak ke nasi... ^_^

bring it on, see if i care

i always say, hit me with your best shot. but you don't seem to understand.
so now i'm saying it again with the source of it, too.
come on, hit me hard!

Well you're the real tough cookie with the long history

Of breaking little hearts, like the one in me

Thats okay, lets see how you do it

Put up your dukes, lets get down to it!

Hit me with your best shot

Why dont you hit me with your best shot

Hit me with your best shot

Fire away!

You come on with a come on, you dont fight fair

But thats okay, see if I care!

Knock me down, its all in vain

I'll get right back on my feet again

Well you're the real tough cookie with the long history

Of breaking little hearts, like the one in me

Before I put another notch in my lipstick case

You better make sure you put me in my place

Hit me with your best shot!

Come on, hit me with your best shot!

Hit me with your best shot!

Fire away!

back to being me

Saya ada imaginary friend. Ya, memang macam budak kecik. Dan baru-baru ini saya dibenci oleh imaginary friend sendiri. Pathetic.

Imagine being on somebody's no. 1 ranking of the Top 10 Mistakes in Life.
contohnya macam ni:

Kesilapan Hidupku
10. ...pierced my eyebrows
9. ...dye rambut warna hijau with pink highlights
...(yada yada yada)
1. berkawan dengan ilie.

kalau salah dan nak delete semua, format balik, kau ingat senang?
kau ingat aku tak fikir macam tu?
tapi aku tak cakap sebab taknak kau terasa. manalah tau kau pun fikir benda yang sama.

(...kata ilie kepada imaginary friend dia lalu hantar dia jauh2 pegi holiday.)

speaking of which, 28 nov - 1 dec saya mahu cuti dan ber-holiday sendiri. siapa nak ikut sila minta izin ibu bapa sekarang dan siapa lambat sila tinggal. bye.

well, what do you think they're for?

i just love honest people.

i'm doing a new show here and it's biological.
there's a question where it asks 'what are men's nipples for.'
2 ladies said right away, "to bite!"
and a kinda cute guy admits that it feels good when it's touched. paused sekejap. then sambung: "well, not when i touch them. I get a weird sense of doom when I touch my own nipples."
but it can't beat this cheeky answer:

"it lets air into the chest."

haha. macam tak cukup paru2 nak buat begitu. unless of course, asap telah memenuhi segenap ruang hingga perlukan pintu masuk lain? i don't know!

enough repekan. back to work. (note: this show also has scenes where a realllly macho guy strips [wuhuu] and a group of guys being....cheerleaders. heheh.)

a tuesday day. ^_^

today's tuesday...

10 yrs ago today i was most probably at the playground everyday.
5 years ago today i was in class, cramming for a big exam.
a few years ago today i was in a class full of headsets and microphones.
a few months ago today i was couch potato-ing in front of the TV.

and today, i am still the same old me.

today's tuesday. cold. hugless. bland.

stage fright...

...is scary.
...is an adrenaline rush all by itself.
...will be gone once you're blinded by the spotlight and can't even see the audience.
...is my escape from reality.

...is something i truly miss.

shiny plankton

i've been holding back a lot lately, and all because of the same reason. different situations, same reason. SAME. God knows how completely frustrated i am with that reason. but i'm impressed, too.

so i wanted to talk about other stuff, thus the 'shiny plankton' above,
but i feel it again. so planktons and jellyfishes have to wait.

i wasn't a star athlete or anything, but i did run track for a while. my best is 400m.
the first part of the race is where i'll lead. the first stretch is where my opponents will catch up. the second bend gives me a chance to overtake them, and the finishing line sees them all eating dust. (or mud, referring to padang mrsm taiping yang sentiasa kehujanan.)

if only the races in my life can be as simple.

but what i do see is, ever since childhood, i've been running the same race which i thought was over, but when i'm not aware, it will catch up to me.
i'm winning, i know i am. i even beat her a lot of times, i have all the facts to prove that.
i have everything my opponent doesn't have.
but between both of us, somehow i know i am still the sore loser.
it came back to haunt me recently, and i found myself fighting a losing battle.

run as fast as i might, i will never overtake this one mighty opponent.

never.

kalau ada orang tahu, sila beritahu saya. how do you define 'soulmate' ya?

hope they'll vote wisely.

...in the midst of our own political ____ (issues/problems/chaos/indifference?), this is a huge decision to determine what the world will be like in the future.

see things through the bigger picture, through a wider perspective.
you'll see how trifling our issues are compared to the more pressing matters.

selamat mengundi.

:::added:::

...and he wins!

okay, last!

nah tengoklah. baru dapat from office-mate.

and after this saya tidak akan membuang masa lagi.

why so fidgety? *ilie masih cemas*

...sila duduk diam2.

i have to live up to my name, kan?

and people call me crazy.

ya. i was translating while feeling so frustratingly sleepy when i came across..."to test how receptive those elephant feet are."

checking online dictionary....berfikiran terbuka? menerima? ape niii....

*surfing2...commenting blogs...blablabla...*

ting! (sila include mentol bercahaya.)

owh ya. 'peka.'

thank u, crazy ilie. so if i want to figure something out, i have to wander far and wide. aimlessly.
kemudian baru saya akan menemui jawapannya sendiri.

mungkin juga sebab saya agak lampi hari ni.

bayangkan tali kabel yang terpintal bersama, maka beginilah serabutnya

saya nak tulis macam2 tapi berserabut so just bear with me.

okay max payne memang best. menyesal tak main game dia. tapi seorang perempuan yang gila bermain game adalah dipandang sedikit serong dalam rumah sebab masa bermain itu sepatutnya digunakan untuk memasak mengemas menjahit baju menganyam tikar bercucuk tanam or whatever. heh. (sebab tu tinggal kat hostel memang best.) anyway. ye saya suka. saya banyak main game, memang. but a few saja yang stuck with me. saya pernah main game Atlantis dengan idan without saving it langsung sebab masa tu memory card rosak. hee sronok. tapi yang paling best is Fahrenheit where you are both the predator and the prey and decisions have to be made in about 15 seconds je, maybe? each different choice will lead to different storylines and saya suka. oyeah. wish max payne has a lot more twist sebab come on, first time i saw BB i knew beliau ialah dalangnya. typical, but hey. the whole transition from game to the silver screen ialah hebat. eh. adalah hebat. haa tesilap tatabahasa pulak hahaha okey sory. bukans enang nak samakan versi visual dengan versi lain. macam heri poter tu the first few ialah tahpape tapi by the time goblet of fire or maybe order of pheonix tu dah ok. ya, they got 7 chances of making it big. ape ntah ckp ni tapaham sgt tp biarlah. saya gila sket hari ini sebab smlm nak tau tak? (dah mula serabut) dalam bilikku ada tetamu tidak diundang yang memang mengganggu tidurku. uhh geram betul. ingatkan hantu. i prefer hantu okay! ok dah. kenapa celupar sangat. alamak takut. lagipun pagi tadi slambe pegi keje kul 930 apekah?? dan semalam officially hana-kimi was aired on 8tv. confirm suzila yg buat subs dia kan kwn2? fluent in 4 languages plus a bit of french. patutlah tibi 3 hire dia. okay byk lg nk cerite secara serabut cmni tapi rasa macam kurang waras pulak nanti kan so akhir kata kakak saya pegi bali hari ni. sekian.

for niss...

...saya windu kamu juga!

*kata ilie yg tade kredit, bz nk kawen esok (?), dan perlu hantar tugas yang urgent pukul 3 kejap lagi lalu bergegas pulang ke rumah setelah memujuk bosnya untuk pulang awal. sekarang pukul? 230. omaigat! okey bye sygku. mwah.*

Me. Here. Now.

cute sweet honest genuine. and still you ask me why.


Always Something There To Remind Me - Naked Eyes

hey, have you heard?

dah lama saya tak pedulikan kisah2 ini tetapi berdasarkan apa yang eman kata, apa kata saya pun cerita juga.
itulah eman. saya pun ada memori2 lusuh.

the guys i've set free, one way or another.

Mr. Crush Sejak Darjah 5...
[11-13 thn]nobody knows except Naddy. tapi camne ntah Apam pun dapat detect.
memang rugi pergi masuk sekolah asrama time form 1 sebab kelas beliau sebelah je.
bersuratan sebentar and then we set each other free. i heard from Naddy lepas tu beliau dingorat oleh Ly. hehe.

Mr. Boleh Tahan KacaK Juga...
[14 thn]orang lain kata dia hensem. ye kot. jat chan hensem ke, man? tapi kitorang bergaduh bagai nak gila sepanjang form 2. sebabnya? dia tak dapat call rumah. gile klaka. pergaduhan itu berkembang from there. jumpa kat koridor skolah mesti lari jauh2 pastu kutuk blakang2. dpn2 pun ada juga. baik balik time form 3. dah bleh sengih2 time form 4. skarang kalo jumpe memang tak larat gelak memikirkan ketidakmatangan zaman dahulukala.

Mr. Kurang Jujur Dah Ada Girlfriend (1)...
[17 thn] dia cool. dia best. suka menebeng di kelasku petang2. bila dapat tahu dia sebenarnya ada yang istimewa (budak kelas jauh sket) lantas saya tidak melayan beliau lagi. akhirnya dia menebeng di luar kelas je until he understands that he's an idiot. oyeah.

Mr. Kurang Jujur Dah Ada Girlfriend (2)...
[21 thn] am i cursed?! okay this is just a rebound guy who made me have frequent excursions to shah alam. although i am perfectly capable of saying "hey, you. i don't like your girlfriend." saya malas mengganggu rumahtangga orang. uyh mahalnya ayat. seriously, guys, you lose all appeal when we found out you already have a girl. tidak perlulah bersusah payah. satu cukup. ya?


dah. menurut kuota yang dipetik daripada link di atas, you only set someone free when you love them in certain circumstances sahaja.
macam dalam cerita Cinta.

in my case, i set them free and i shooed 'em out.

ye saya tau saya cool. hehe. agak loser juga kadang2.
tak caya tanya anim.

...for the greater good.

kadang2 yang baik untuk mereka, tak berapa baik untuk kita...
tapi demi ibu bapa, ahli keluarga, rakan2 dan yang tercinta,
kita sanggup buat apa saja asalkan mereka gembira.

mengalah bukan bererti kalah.

kan?

driving=therapeutic...?

saya memang pantang kalau dipandang rendah.

memang.

even if you do feel that way, do NOT show that you underestimate me.

kalau nak kena belasah sila la.


...and once again i started the day by being angry.
so getting behind the wheel and driving like mad is very therapeutic.
know why?
because other drivers are unexceptionally crazy too.
so you can channel you anger towards them.

thank you, my country. that's why i love you and your supposedly 51-yr-old independence
walaupun perkara2 begini masih berada di takuk lama.

tak kisah.
gives me a chance to swear on the road.
honk if you agree!

stranger

i tried. i really do.
how can it be so familiar yet so hostile.
a stranger in my own place.

i want what i choose, not what is given.

jika kereta saya mempunyai emosi sama seperti manusia...

...maka pagi tadi tentu ia gembira disebabkan satu pertemuan yang tidak dijangka.

^_^

sempena...

sygku encik masen yang sweet (contradict kan?)

ini untuk kamu.

syg2ku yg lain. jgn jeles.

pdn muka korang haha.

Today is a winding road
That's taking me to places that I didn’t want to go
Today in the blink of an eye
I’m holding on to something and I do not know why I tried

I tried to read between the lines
I tried to look into your eyes
I want a simple explanation; what I’m feeling inside
I gotta find a way out
Maybe there's a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you're unlike any other
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder

Today is a winding road
Tell me where to start and tell me something I don't know
Today I'm on my own
I can't move a muscle and I can't pick up the phone, I don’t know

And now I'm itching for the tall grass
And longing for the breeze
I need to step outside, just to see if I can breathe
I gotta find a way out
Maybe there’s a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know you’re unlike any other
You'll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
Oh baby bring on the pain
And listen to the thunder...

kesilapan, kesilapannnnnn~~~~

yes thank you.
i made a mistake of menyinggah ke blog itu pagi2 begini.
wahhh kembalilah, mood-ku!
jgn lariii~~~

*okay. honestly?
i want some acknowledgement.
i want sumtin that makes me, me. sumtin that makes me with you. not someone else. i don't need someone else. ko sibuk apsal.

...dan skrg sy sniri tapaham repekan ini.

ya. ingin mengadu. tapi tak perlu kot.
it will sound like some stupid whining but it affects me now, still!

cmne?

takpelah. sy bleh buat benda yg sama.

oke citer lain. smlm jali menge-call utk pegi tgk muvi. apekah? sruh patah balik ke klcc uhh takmahu. lagipun fik n nal ajak menjoyah (jgn tanya kata kerja itu bermaksud apa) dan sy tak mahu sbb memakai baju sopan. hehe. ye mmg tade kene mengene. sukati akulah.

jadi hari ni sesape nk menjoyah/bermuvi/menggila, tell me before 6pm n i'll come n getcha~!

sayangku sekalian

saya sudah banyak kehilangan peluang2 berharga.

sekian.

Hit me with your best shot...[revisited]

He's got you on a pedestal, and me in his arms.
-Cameron Diaz

Sums it up perfectly, doesn't it?
Ends the vicious circle between the best friend and the bride.
Or the past crushes she'll never live up to.
---

The poet who lost his muse

[Inspired by a dictionary definition of ‘muse.’ Membelek kamus memang bosan.Malangnya, itu kerja saya.]

‘I’ve always thought that you are...you know...unreachable.
I mean, you’re an angel.
I’m just a poet...who gathered words and prose about you and me.
A dancer...who danced for no one in particular to see.
A singer, who sings with no melody.
You are always too far for me to reach.’

The angel decided to give up her immortality, her freedom.
She’d rather be tied and bound to the restrictions of mankind,
and become a muse for this man.

Her halo faded, and her wings fell off.

“Can you reach me now?”

Hit me with your best shot

Life is what happened when all the what-ifs didn’t. -Jodi Picoult, Plain Truth.

I’ve been thinking a lot about ‘what-ifs’ and ‘could-have-beens’ lately. I accept everything that has happened the way it were, until now. When a nagging thought kept creeping back into my mind. What could have been if I did that---?

I’ll never know, and I will just let it go.
And that’s when I met somebody from my past.
Okay so now I’m thinking of it again.

Whenever I asked people: if you could have something back, what would it be? Most of them said they want to be young again, to have another chance, to turn back time. But what good will that do?

If it does happen, you might lead a good or better life. But the chances that it might turn out bad or even worse are there, too. Or, you might try to change every single thing but you will still end up the same, the way you are now.

According to Premonition, even if you had a look into the future and did nothing or something, what will happen will still happen. In contrast to that, Butterfly Effect suggests that even the slightest change of gesture could reinvent your whole life, and the lives of people around you. Both of the characters ended up trying too hard to change things, or to finally let it go. But still it turned out the way it should be.No happy endings there.
It will be forever before I understand why you can’t tempt fate.But for the time being, I am willing to accept.

...what about you?

Truly fictional.

We are now trailing the most fabulous, the wondrous, the precise opposite of the iniquitous and the vile.
-Stop doing that reporter voice. I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
But this is innate for me, how could you not fathom what I mean?
-Shut up. Oh, he’s with a girl. *waves* Will you just look at him? It’s impossible he couldn’t see us.
I think he must be truly infatuated.
-One more big word out of you, I swear, I’ll smack your head.
What an appalling thought. That is totally atrocious!
*smack!*
Adoi! Sakit la bodoh!
-That’s more like it. Come on.
You really think he’ll let us do this to him?
-Hell if I know. He didn’t even try to keep his promise. Dia yang mula-mula cari pasal.
You’re right. He deserves everything we’re going to do to him.
-Okay he’s alone now, grab him!
>Whoa, whoa! *backs off* What’s going on here, guys? *chuckles nervously* We’re buddies, right?
-As if. We’re here so that you can keep your promise.
>I don’t... I didn’t... What promise? I thought...
Don’t lie to us! You promised us that every single time. But none of it ever happened!
-You’re dead, man.
>Okay, okay! Let me see... maybe next week? *lari~~*
Hey!!!
*sambil lari* Korang marah sangat apehal??

*sambil kejar*...Sebab kau yang dah lama janji nak belanja!!!
Moral of the story: jangan sekali-kali janji nak belanja kalau kau sebenarnya tipu aje.

[Sory. Tiba2 rasa nak buat cerita yang stupid and mindless, coz lately my life has been anything but. Okay silalah move on to blogs yang lebih munasabah.]

*apdet*

what? the story of my graduation?

lambat ahh...tapi kalau nak jugak...

takpayah susah2. mari bace di sini.

hehe. time kasey ifurayashi! congrats to you too!

(kalau nak lagi bes, bleh bace cerita pasal 'tapak konvo yang misteri,' di sini pula.

okeh~

open the door, let me in! ...said the timid little newbie.

so what if i hadnt thought things through?
granted, the pace is kinda fast for a slowpoke like me.
theres so much to be done to seal the deal.
that offer alone is not enough.
will i make the cut?
after all, im just a newbie.


[goodbye, little daisies. i'm off to a fabulous place. will be back soon.]

reminiscence?

rase mcm... marahlah.
plus a bit tak puas hati.

...
... ...
... ... ...pastu mcm biase bile rase cmni, apa yg ingin disampaikan itu tidak kesampaian.

hah. gila.

*masuk slimut. tido.*

cerita hantu dan cerita seram. sama? tak lah.

[entri bersepah. yeay.]

cerita hantu ialah cerita macam yang idan ceritakan tadi.
lama gila nak abis dari lepas maghrib sampai sepanjang perjalanan nak pegi rumah kaklong.
siap ada pause2 untuk isi minyak dan sebagainya.
sampai depan pintu bilik mandi pun ada (ye. kenape ntah.)

cerita dia ada 4 parts. sebab tajuk dia 4bia. haha rase nak gelak pulak.
yang first takde dialog tapi scary jugak.
yang second ada guna black magic (bukan black magic yang saye slalu buat tu. itu jelas penipuan semata2.untuk menarik perhatian penonton saje.)
yang third is kinda funny!
yang fourth is a very original idea, saye suka juga.

cerita hantu lain ialah yang ada di tempat keje saye. Ecot kata Nahar cerita kat dia pasal tempat2 dalam centre tu yang berhantu.
dekat tempat dinosaur, kat oil platform, dsb.
saye dah check sikit2.
tak berani check banyak2. hehe.
scary juga.
memang banyak cerita hantu kat situ rupanya.

tapi kalau cerita seram, selalunya tak payah melibatkan hantu.
biasanya terjadi kat saye macam ni. bila ada orang nak cerita sesuatu kat saye, dan kadang2 lagi best kalau saye tatau cerita tu.
walaupun mungkin dia tatau saye tak nak tau.
tapi dia cerita jugak.

itu baru seram.

...oh seramnya.

*lariiii*

dearie...

...it's a blessing in disguise.

*hug*

back where you started

[this might sound nostalgic and weepy, but actually it's not. read it with a smile, okay? grin if you must. widely. like this :D]

so, this is it.

graduation, convocation, the last goodbye.
yesterday after rehearsal friends reunite, past follies forgotten.
my coursemates and i found ourselves gathered without even contacting each other.
it's easy to pick up where we left off, as if it's just another day.
if not for the talks of 'where are you working now?', 'who got engaged?', 'what?? their baby is already 3months old?!', it seems like we were just hanging out after class as we used to.
we got crazy afterwards: the mall, the beach, the busy town... there was no place we didn't go.
strangely, we feel more at home here than anywhere else.
the night ended with cultural performances on the convo site (the same stage i used to be on...wuhuu~~)
and ... a meteor shower. (okay, this one was spent with the geophysics slash astronomy gang.)

we will have our last goodbyes and part our ways, but in order to do that we have to come back here. to the place where it all began.

back where we started, all over again.

p/s: chipi-chan! sotsugyou purezento wa, hontou ni arigatou!!

'petrosains trup,' bak kata kami...

ini. gambar.
there will be more later.
kalau saya rajin~~

grup yg paling best sebab kitorang gile. whee~

the greatest. (saya tak sempat memasukkan diri)

bern doing multishot. yg candid itu dia mahu.
di sebelah sy dan paling ceria itu emi.
met during interview, we hit it off immediately~

pura2 taknak masuk kamera.
lyana n irfan yg BYK CKP dan NAKAL dan LIKES ATTENTION sbb tu duk dpn skali.
mereka di blkg: fety, amai, mahathir, nahar

this is a prominent figure in our troop, okay.
terletak di atas machine helicopter simulator.
sgt comel bleh buat banyak gaya.

kanak2 glow in the dark

"doesn't need much time to be this close~"
(quoting lyana)

always be...

tak ingat sape amik. adli? kamu kah?

the small room which witnessed much craziness~

had lots of fun, didn't we?

kesimpulannya, petrosains memang best!
(bosannye kesimpulan. ahh sukehati aku la nk ckp ape.)

tersedar sekejap...

...sebab kadang2 rase macam kita semua sebenarnya ada cara hidup yang sangat berlainan, betul tak?

different involvements, will it affect togetherness?
too much similarities, will it make us long for some difference?

saya tak merepek. ini serius nak tau.

walaupun jawapannya saya boleh agak, tapi itu macam a bit unfair.

one by one...

kusut.

and everything you did? NOT HELPING.

sekian terima kasih.

rilek aje.

ye..apekah?

entahlah.

[mengganggu abang kacak yang sedang tidur]

Superficial vs. Profound

remember the uncertainties i had before? which seems like ages ago. sometimes it all comes back to me.

decisions i've made were never regretted, no matter how much second thoughts i might have. for after i decide something, the way ahead is not always clear, but the certainty is i only have that way to go. ahead. i don't need to look back, i don't even want to.

'taknak g jumpe dia ke?'
"ish..taknak..aku segan ngan dia..."
'alaa, sue ok. dia rilek je la. ko stil rase bersalah?'
"ya..even dah lebih setahun pun.."

...taking me out of the certainties of turmoil, and putting me into a turmoil of uncertainties...

(reminder: jgn panggil saye 'sue' lagi, okeh. hee.)
***

[upbeat]
okay, when did i stop writing? tengoklah skarang dah tahpape je style of writing sume mcm gila. watever.

temporary working place - since interview, training, until now. everything n everyone is really cool n fun! want to include pics, tapi encik fotografer blum bagi cd lagik. tghari smlm kita dah jumpe kot? *dush*



permanent working place - haha. kept me busy, kept me sane. the workplace above did a great job to keep me insane. learned a lot, love it all.

dwelling place - a few entertainment stuff have been added! courtesy of idan. thanx bro. okey so now sape nk lawan guitar heroes? jom.

after this? it's graduation time!

so there. camni da kire apdet kan? sory lah gaya penulisan yang kelam-kabut. sukehati lah. oke bubye.

~~~
dengan orang lain, superficial. shallow. with you it's profound. it's deep. it's different.

Scholar in an Ivory Tower

[author's note: sesungguhnya saya malas nak menceritakan kisah hidup sebenar. so here's another fiction based on kisah yang separa benar. bacalah tulisan suka-hati saya. sekian.]

Nights can still be peaceful even when the silence is shattered. By the hooting of owls, the chirping of crickets, and occasionally, by the plucking of guitar strings.

The sprawling white mansion behind my house has been empty for years before a family moved in a few years ago. My first glimpse of the eldest son was on the night of their arrival. He was hanging heavy brocade curtains on the window of his room, saw me, and waved. I hesitated before waving back, just as the curtains dropped. A cascade of royal blue cloth, concealing us from each other.

I never saw him again through our windows, but I sure heard him. When we were twelve, I heard him arguing with his dad about his “too-early bedtime.” Several years passed, I heard voices telling him to stop tying up the line to talk with “those chicks from school.” By the time we’re seventeen there were no more arguments, no more voices. Only the sound of his guitar breaking the nights’ serene stillness. But every time I tried to peek, the only things I saw were blank, whitewashed walls on the uppermost part of his house where his room is and the same royal blue curtains hiding him from me.

I can tell he was taking guitar lessons from the way his skills improved each and every day. From chord to chord, he managed to turn his rusty transitions smooth. From hesitating before the start of each verse, he can now play full songs perfectly. And me; from feeling annoyed by the twangs of his guitar, I looked forward to his repertoire of musical notes. Without realizing it, I started to leave my nightlight on a bit longer each night and only turned it off when the music stopped. He became my invisible lullaby, and I became his silent ovation.

My family moved away shortly after my high school graduation and I never met our neighbor again. Yet I still remember the lesson his guitar-playing taught me: once you’ve braved yourself to take the first few tentative steps, you’ll manage to shine in everything you do.
And I’ve been shining ever since.

~My music is within you, and wherever you are, as long as your heart beats, it will always be.~

for you, a thousand times over...

well, i don't have an abundance of creative ideas right now so never mind if you've heard the title before.

i believe in a lot of things but i never believed in love at first sight. to me, that is just another cliche. or something that is meant for everyone else but not for me.
how could i be so wrong.
i met her (yes, her) by chance. i saw her sorrow first before her joy. the vulnerable side of her which caught me and would not let go. i was there for her, even without me realizing it. and she appreciates it. also, without me realizing it. at first.
i am not judgmental, i try not to be. when you first meet people and they are already wonderful in your eyes, that's all that matters. regardless of how others see her. that was what she did to me, without her realizing it. *wink2*

who says love at first sight doesn't exist? now i believe in it, and i gained a friend in the process.

the best kind of love i could ever ask for.



(berdasarkan pengalaman silam, kalo saya puji sorang msti yg lain sume jeles. so, kazet, pyon, anim, fiky, cna, oche, dan kalo ade yg tertinggal jgn mrh, saya x pernah lupekan kamu semua. saya sayang kamu juga. dan shio-san, kamu terlalu special, kamu tahu kan. for all of you, a thousand times over.)

malam yang sepi

haven't written in a while...

a lot has happened, a lot can be written, but nothing significant enough to sum up everything i feel. takpe, no biggie.

i watched Sepi the night it was released.
and i want to watch it again.
in order not to spoil anything for people who haven't seen it yet (ehem2), i won't give a long movie review here. just a little comment: if you think Cinta is good, then Sepi is wonderful beyond belief.

there. best kan?
okay, dah. tak pandai dah nak tulis best2.

p/s: oh, btw, i read The Kite Runner. hee. For you, a thousand times over...

alang2 menjadi emo biar sampai ke pangkal blogspot

betul ahh emo gile saye tidak suke keadaan ini.

mari mendefinisikan ilie.

ilie [noun] -seorang yang gembira ceria dan bahagia sentiasa

ya. itu ialah ilie pada tahun 1986 sehingga 2006. stop kejap. sambung balik pada february 2007. makin menjadi2 sejak february 2008.

tapi kadang2...oh biasalah. perkara2 kecil yang x layak difikirkan oleh minda comel ini menerjah masuk ke ruang pemikiran dengan terjahan yang tidak mampu saya gambarkan! gile pjg dan berbelit ayat ini.
terjahan2 kecil itu, memang tidak layak saya fikirkan lama2.
terjahan2 kecil itu, memang tidak layak saya fikirkan langsung.

sebab kalau nak ikutkan, saya juga boleh buat perkara yang sama, mungkin lebih hebat lagi, tetapi saya taknak. kerana perbuatan itu agak keji. dan seriously pathetic. dan sedikit psychotic juga kalau difikir balik. mungkin juga perbuatan orang2 yang obsessed. ataupun orang yang takde life. ataupun beliau gila meroyan.

oh, saya minta maaf.

tetapi. perasan itu ialah sifat yang tak perlu ada pada setiap insan.
okay itu je nak cakap.

pembunuh bijirin

baiklah. entri kali ni sedikit emo dan bersikap defensive sikit. so ia tak sesopan biasa.

pernah kutuk subtitle yang kelakar? sape tak pernah. tipulah kalau kau kata tak pernah. aku selalu.
bolehlah kot, kalau 101 dalmations jadi 101 bintik.
apehal.
tapi kan, kalau kutuk2 pastu bagi cadangan terjemahan yang betul, ok gak kot. pastu kalo kutuk pastu pegi buat sesuatu untuk betulkan keadaan ni, bagus jugak. tapi kalau setakat kutuk, gelak2, kate "amende ah penterjemah nih. aku boleh buat lagi best. bodoh ke ape." ... kenapa kau tak buat?
yelah, korang mesti malas nak belajar benda senang kan, benda yang korang dah terer kan. baik amik course yang profesional sket, nanti keje gaji besar pastu dihormati orang ramai, fuiyoo. dah masuk menara gading yang hebat lagi bertaraf tinggi mesti korang taknak belajar ijazah sarjana muda sastera kan. iye betul.
aku pernah kena kutuk secara tak langsung oleh....(jeng3)...pakcik teksi.
sepanjang perjalanan 15minit tu pakcik tu tanya aku belajar ape kat universiti, dan lepas dengar jawapan aku dia terus berlagak pasal anak dia yang amik sains. tercungap-cungap aku cuba mencelah mengatakan aku belajar sains gak dulu jadi aku pun lebih kurang same terer ngan anak dia gak, tapi tak terkeluar. haha. ade gak orang yang mengutuk terang2an ape yg aku belajar nih. lebih kurang macam, nanti ko da abes blaja ko nk keja ape? alaa kos ko mcm snang je aku dgr. kalo aku amik msti leh score nyer. uyh, jadi translator? gaji sket je tu hoy. err...interpreter tuh hape?
hehe. bes kan. eh aku dah merepek ni. okey ilie stop digressing.
camni. subtitle tu memang kelakar. nak tau ape sebabnye? nak dengar ke aku bebel kat cni?
camnilah. sepanjang tiga tahun, aku belajar grammar english and bm secara mendalam adelah lebih kurang 5-6 subjek. itupun tak berani aku ngaku terer. setakat sintaks dan semantik tu boleh la kot aku gagahkan diri. masuk sosiolinguistik aku terpengsan sekejap. belum lagi contemporary english grammar. 2nd year belajar law. huyy bes jugak. every week buat translation and editing classmates kita nyer keje. banyak bidang: berita, sukan, law, sains, teknologi, ape ntah lagi aku malas nak berlagak ish teruknye aku ni. 3rd year buat interpreting. hamik kau terus terjemah ayat tu sambil orang tu tgh bercakap. evry week kene berlakon impromptu, debate, intellectual discourse, interpret CNN, berita seluruh dunia, discovery channel, speech drp pemimpin2 negara malaysia dan juga negara luar (kau bayangkan accent dorg yg pelbagai) dan lain2. sape tadi yang cakap dia bleh score senang2 tu? meh cni.
sebenarnya sume bende kalo kite tak alami, mesti nmpk mcm senang. bagi aku mmg snang kot. tp x brani nk kate hoy snang la apehal ko takleh buat elok2? sbb aku tau sndiri pun byk kelemahan lagi. classmates aku sniri pun bukannye sume terer menterjemah. kitorg rajin je menggelakkan kwn2 sniri punye terjemahan, walaupun itu yang kitorang belajar sampai nk termuntah.
contohnya, terjemahan novel yang kitorang buat masa 2nd year. aku kene edit kawan aku punya. dalam novel yang penuh unsur2 figuratif bahasa ibunda kita tu, ada satu peribahasa 'menegakkan benang yang basah'
... aku tak payah cakap la ek, dia translate jadi apa. nanti berguling2 lak korang gelak kat ctu, sape yang susah.
actualy aku enjoy, ye aku enjoy je blajar bende nih. tp mcm xbes kot, org lain kutuk ape yg kite buat. kitorg nk kutuk takpe, sebab that's what we do. we are entitled to kutuk2. ahh sudah rojak bahasa ku. lantaklah. jadi camnilah. kalo ye nak kutuk, berpada2 la kot. mesti ade sebab knape dorg tu buat salah. mungkin perkataan tu ada 2 maksud. mungkin dia salah dengar, mungkin dia memang bodoh taktau pun tapi korang tak layak kutuk dia sebab korang pun bukannye tau sgt keje dia tu susah ke senang. main ckp je, blasah kang.
hoy tbe2 aku garang.
tak semestinye ko pandai cakap bm dgn hebatnye, sume peribahasa ko tau maksudnya, english korang muet band 6stengah ke, penah tinggal kat US mase kecik2 ke...tak smestinye korang boleh menghasilkan terjemahan yang berkualiti dalam jangka masa yang pendek. toksah marah dbp kalo tak pernah tau sistem dorang macamana. jangan belagak taknak tengok kamus walopun korang rase korang terer tahap gaban pun. sebutan tu...alahai, kalo boleh taknak la pelat2 tapi tak kisahla asalkan phonetic symbols ko reti bace supaya tak memalukan diri di khalayak ramai. aku sebenarnye selalu je memalukan diri di khalayak ramai. tapi tak kisahla, aku belajar oke.

ye. dah pjg sgt mrh2 ni. apehal ntah? sudah2. yang penting, aku dlm proses melakukan sesuatu utk mengelakkan bidang terjemahan dikutuk2 lagi.

dan tajuk tu? yelah, pembunuh bijirin kan ke serial killer.
kalo berani kutuklah. sekian terima kasih.

[p/s: utk latihan menterjemah minggu ini: "nama pun khai. memang tak boleh pakai!" (dipetik drp citer ape ntah kat tv) ...cuba translate dgn hebatnye dgn mengekalkan unsur2 figuratif, cultural, serta dynamic equivalence. dan kekalkan nada marah tersebut. jwpn akan diberi setelah ade at least beberapa cdgn jwpn drp anda semua di ruang komen.]

angel in disguise

it takes a lifetime to build a reputation.

it only takes a moment to tear it down.

i am no longer seventeen; an age where i can mess up my life as much as i want to and still come out clean in the end.

the privileges of being an adult comes with the price of facing the immediate consequences of my own actions. innocence can no longer prevail.

i never said i was good. even so, i myself cannot believe the enormity of what i've done.

regret? no. absolutely not.

surprised? you bet.

disappointed in myself? was. and still am.

to keep my mind off things (and to get away from people), i went to the top floor where we keep all this junk and started rummaging around for my old children's books...hoping that i could re-obtain the innocence that i lost.

that's when i found you.

i lost my copy of our high school's yearbook two years ago. i borrowed yours when you asked me to help organize the reunion. i haven't returned it to you yet, it seemed.

i found your copy in an old box filled with memories. the papers are yellowed, the cover a bit smudged, the pages curling at the corners. i did not dare flip through it, afraid of what i might find. of the things i might remember. of the realization how much things have changed since then. i put it aside.

to my surprise, i found my copy just a few books down in the same box. the pages still crisp, the cover still immaculately white.

i stared at both of the yearbooks. identical, except yours look so sloppy, as if portraying what you've been through all these years. mine is the picture of pure innocence, as if time stops moving with it.

the immaculate white cover might just be what it is: a cover. nobody knows what is really underneath it. you might be surprised at what you'll find. and in reality, time never stops. it keeps on moving and drags you along, resulting in changes you might be unwilling to face.

there's nothing you can do except hope. i continued to sit there, surrounded by unopened boxes which contained the past, staring at the two yearbooks. i wonder how looks can be so deceiving. finally, i vowed to myself that even though time forces me to take the same path, i will never, ever repeat the same mistakes again.

smiling at strangers

she was sitting on the turf, watching her nephew clamber up and down the slides at the playground. replying messages. trying to hide from the sun. hoisting a bottle of water everywhere she goes.
and then came the kites.
one was blue, and the other, pink. with minnie mouse on it.
her eyes followed the string and saw 3 guys arguing over who should hold the kites and who should run with the string.
she smirked, coz the kites are just too cute for them! maybe they saw the smirk so they made a point of arguing right where she was sitting, and running around with the kites in very near vicinity. she had to dodge the strings every 5 seconds.
annoyed, but with nowhere else to go, she grabbed one of the strings and ran away with the kite. she glanced towards the sky. oh, it was the pink kite. nice.
ignoring the shouts of "hoy! ko nk bwk g mane tuh??" from the guys, she continued running. and laughing. and enjoying her sudden moment of kite-stealing. she had so much fun it made her forget all her worries.
with a genuine smile, she turned back towards the owners of the kite she just robbed.
apparently, they'd given up trying to chase her. maybe they were amused by what she did.
so the only thing they did was smile back.

berubah hati

im sorry, portugal guy...
you were popular and hot talented, but TOTALLY outshined by villa...

that guy did a hat-trick, okayy? (and he's cuter.)
tak sia2 dia ganti raul yang dah..er..tua.

so you know who i'm rooting for now...

Go, Spain!

one love undivided...!

i'm in love with this. would be nice to share it with all of you ;)
after all, i don't have the mood to write because of...1)broken lappy T_T.. 2)all of the things i wanted to post sound a bit...harsh. 3) okayy, they're downright bitchy. if i don't have anything nice to say, it's better to say nothing at all.

so here goes, peeps. Here In My Home, by Malaysian Artistes for Unity.

[update]

erm..the mood has been lifted, i feel better now. thanks to you, and for that i dedicate the title of this post for you...and you alone.
i remembered a conversation we had which involved you, me, a fountain at night, and...strangely...a straw (hehe). it's not even that memorable, it's nothing significant, it might even be meaningless. but to have that moment with you, to turn an uneventful happening into something memorable, significant, and meaningful...well, that's priceless. and i love you for that.

all thanks to the straw.

;)

Whispered Secrets of the Four-Leaf Clover

The four-leaf clover is an uncommon variation of the ordinary, more abundant three-leaf clover that you can easily find in your front lawn. Why are four-leaf clovers associated with good luck? Some people say that each leaf on the clover has a special meaning; the first leaf represents Hope, the second leaf represents Faith, the third represents Love, and the last leaf represents Luck.

This little boy in the red T-shirt once asked me why is the sky so blue? Instead of answering “it is the oxygen atoms in the atmosphere which scatters the blue light from the sun,” which is the truth, I made up a story and told him that “one day, the blue stripe from the rainbow got stuck on the sharp branch of a tree, was torn open and his colour spilled all over the clouds.”

He loved that version.

The four-leaf clover and the sky have their own secrets, but they are easier to reveal compared to other secrets I wish I have the answers to.

Such as when I know you’re avoiding something but I don’t know why.
Or the fact that you need someone like a heart needs a beat.
Dan juga apabila kita tertanya, adakah hari esok milik kita…atau bukan milik sesiapa.

It got me thinking. Secrets are better left untouched, the truths are best kept veiled. For once they are revealed there will be no more magic. There will be no more wonder. There will be no more things left to ponder.
Therefore, out of respect, I will leave the secrets of life with all their glory.

And I will never again ask why.

pengumuman.

encik idz dah kawin.

...dan saye tak pegi wedding beliau. sekian terima kasih.
(peminat setia dia mesti kecewa. hehe jgn bgtaw ***n!)

tag yang diperam.

tamau post the rules. oyeahh.

Random Fact #1
i memorize lines from P Ramlee films.

Random Fact #2
i love CSI. i hate CSI. figure that out yourself.

Random Fact #3
my nephews' names were given by me.

Random Fact #4
i danced along to the ben stiller-jack black-robert downey jr's performance during american idol 2008. cannot resist.

Random Fact #5
during my school days, i wear baju kurung with sneakers. senang nak lari kalo warden kejar. @_@ takdelah. itu bukan sebab sebenar. sebab kalo warden kejar saye x lari. rilek je buat2 x bersalah lalu terlepas dari hukuman. so, i wear baju kurung with sneakers. to run from seratas guys masa outing. mungkin itu sebab sebenar.

Random Fact #6
i burnt my tongue yesterday (sup itu panas rupanya) and it still hurts.

Random Fact #7
lagu2 Muse takboleh dinyanyikan semula oleh orang lain. TAKBOLEH. random facts kan. sukehatilah.

Random Fact #8
tadi abg saye dtg umah n bercerita perkara2 kelakar. lalu saye teringat. when i was 5, i didn't know i have an older brother. haha kasihan beliau. ini kisah benar.

okay itu saje. sape nk kne tag sila msg saye.
heh. tahpape.
happy 15th birthday kepada adik kamu.
okay gudnyte.

Stalkers, stalking. [cont'd]

ada request mintak sambung citer tu.
aih, xyahlah.
sbb lepas lepak kat playground tu pastu bosan pastu g mkn eskrim mekdi pastu balik.

itu saje. hee.

see? reality, if not laced with a bit of fantasy, is as bland and dull as watching grass grow.
hah.
lebih2 pulak.
kalo cikgu kreatip writing ku bace msti da lame kne kutuk.

oke dah!
nantikan kisah sterusnya ya.

(p/s: kamu, cepatlah pulang)

A Thousand Splendid Suns...

‘aku nampak dia baca catch-22, by joseph heller. Dah lama aku cari. So dia citer la, catch-22 mmg best tp ada uniqueness..mcm, ade twisted sense of humor sket..’

“ohh..aku rasa style of writing dia mcm the kite runner la nih,”

‘the kite runner? Er..tak pernah baca lagi. Sape author?’

“khaled hosseini. bacalah weyh, bes gak. ”

Any book recommendation from this guy is worth looking into, even if the above conversation took place for about over a year ago. However, by some incomprehensible twist of fate, I never got round to reading it yet. Never mind why. Turns out that’s his only novel and he hasn’t written any new ones.
Until…
a (solitary? self-consoling? unintended?) trip to a bookstore led me to find a thousand splendid suns, his second novel which the paperback edition has just been published this year. And it was worth it.
I cannot stop marveling at the way the author puts everything into perspective, leaving readers with a sense of wonder, and never once could I predict what the characters would do. How amazingly simple his descriptions were and yet the world he painted through the words will come vividly alive in your mind.
If the kite runner is a story that revolves around Amir and Hassan, about boys and men…a thousand splendid suns revolves around Mariam and Laila, and about the predicaments of Afghan women since the last three decades. It will leave you with a renewed sense of respect and be in awe of how women struggle to maintain their dignity.
My suggestion? Read it. And you might find your own share of a thousand splendid suns.

Stalkers, stalking.

what if…we check out that address? said the driver on the way back. the friend in the next seat replied distractedly, sure, why not? it’s not like i have anywhere else to be. so they changed courses, shifted gears, and set out to a place further from home.
have you been there before? no. where did you get the address? online. are you scared? … no! what do you think i am? well, a poor lovesick somebody who had your girlfriend taken away from you. that’s what i think you are.
silence.
maybe i am.
tires crunched on the gravel, car horns honked, unfamiliar roads meandered left and right.
is this the one? uhh…it looks scary. no signboard, no signs of people, nothing. are you sure? yes. It says here sg 5.
here it is.
another uncomfortable silence.
here she is.
the friend risks a glance at the driver, shoved him aside and took the wheel.
what are you doing? you’re in no shape to drive. shut up, I’m okay. gimme that. no. clearly you’re not. what kind of friend are you? the supportive kind. *smirks* you call this supportive? i should have known. you are just like the others. the friend screeched to a halt and looked him in the eye. i was shocked when i first heard about you and her. but did i undermine you? no. because i know how much she means to you. but you were my friend first. you know what you’re doing is wrong, seriously wrong. maybe there’s a blessing in disguise from all this. if not, when will it end? tell me, when?
…it might end. but not now.
they drove home in silence. stopped at the old playground where they spent most of their childhood days. back when things were fun. back when things were simple, easy, and free.
the evening went by.
lost in thoughts while sitting together at the old swing set, they caught each other’s eyes. and smiled. at that moment, the friend knew there’s nothing she could do to change his mind.
but no matter what happens… they will always have this old playground to come back to.

Lefty guys who play guitar

Face it, we’re all into reality TV shows no matter how much we decorate them with insults. Cease the denial, baby, and repeat after me: “I’m addicted to ____.” (insert the reality show of your choice)

Ever since I was young I never cared much for shows with all the glitz and glam of celebrity life. The shows themselves are not at fault, only I don’t understand why people make such a big deal out of them. And so the sentiment snaked from those kinds of shows into reality shows. However, over the years I decided to give them a chance. And I haven’t regretted it ever since.

My personal favourite is the dance reality show participated by married couples for a charity cause. Really, there’s nothing bad I can say about that show (except the hostess’ dress during the finals ;P). Anyway, that is sOo last year and talking about current events, let’s move on to the battle between two Davids.

David Cook is cute in a scruffy, i-don’t-give-a-damn kind of way…when my friends ask me what type of guys do I go for, the answer is always this: lelaki yg slebet2 sket, rambut messy tutup tlinge…hahahuhu … About David Archuleta, he did an amazing job when he managed to sing a masterpiece beautifully. (John Lennon – Imagine). And he’s a sweet kid. But David Cook could carry out a Mariah Carey tune (Always Be My Baby) in low notes. Aha. And he’s a rockstar lefty guitar playing guy. And I don’t want another Daughtry case. And Cook says he just wants to enjoy the moment. And his talents come with cuteness, did I mention that already?

So who will I vote for? Do you even have to ask?

amplified. [you'll know when you're outside, looking in.]

it won't matter when things don't happen to you. but you'll know it when they do.
the grass is always greener, alright.
i loved what i used to have. now the angel of freedom has left me. no matter how much i insist by saying "take me with you.."
i wonder what changed that part of me? and why should that be?

~

when i'm young, everything seems to be bigger, greater, louder, and harsher than it really was.
everything was amplified tenfold.

in kindergarten, i heard my mother yelling and scolding someone who used to be really important to me, but now i know she just raised her voice slightly during that time.
in 1st grade, i thought the 5th graders were sooo mature and intimidating. and tall. when it was my turn to be a 5th grader, i found myself being nowhere near mature or intimidating. or tall.
on my first day of boarding school, the seniors became my idols coz they seem like they have everything in control. when i turned seventeen, everything went out of control.

i won't say i outgrew all that. it's still here. for instance, right now, a few things are keeping me from being happy like before.
a few things which i might laugh about when they're solved coz by then, those things will seem so small compared to now.
coz right now, it really feels like a huge cross to bear.

taggy waggy

Tagged by niss...

1. What disappoints you the most?
~~ un-supportive people.

2. Where will you go if someone sponsor you a tour ticket?
~~ owhh. le tour le Paris...voulez-vous voudrais venir avec moi? eh ntah btul ke slh tuh. alahh lupa.

3. What's your favorite thing to do?
~~ anything to do with the outdoors. long walks, hiking, camping...xplorace pun suke juge. hee.

4. Do you think money can buy happiness?
~~ as i said before, happiness is subjective...

5. If you can have one dream to come true, what would it be?
~~ my dreams are miiineeee...sy tamo bagitau.

6. Do you believe you can survive without money?
~~ yep. i have a living proof.

7. What are you afraid to lose the most?
~~ my ability to smile. truly.

8. If you win $1 million, what would you do?
~~ ape igt senang ke nk jwb soklan ni? huhu. $1 milion tu. bli kete. bli umah. kawen. hah amik kao. nk kawenkan org lain pun mampu.

9. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
~~ never did, never would, never wanted to. tapi kan, it's not important right now, ek? kalo suke sy diam2 je. hehe. kalo dia pun sbenarnye suke jugak then there's nothing i can do, ryte? btw, i don't LOVE someone when i first meet him, mcm lembap sket nk jato chenta kot. oyhh, pjg lak jwb soklan nih, baik. sy stop skrg.

10. List out 3 good points of the person who tagged you?

~~Niss is:
1) seorg yg ceria. suke gelak. weehehe~
2) strong. ooh babe, you don't even realize that, do you?
3) cool r minah nih. sesape nk bekenalan sy bleh jadi ejen.

11. What are the requirements that you wish from the other half?
~~ camnilah. consider all the requirements fulfilled.

12. What type of person do you hate the most?
~~ people who are afraid to be honest.

13. What is your ambition?
~~ ini kne jwb cmne ni? okayy...career-wise, i would like to be an interpreter ye..tour guide pun bleh la..bwh sket..hm..sbenanye nk jd scriptwriter juga..dan professional dancer..dan byk lagi!

14. If you can teleport once, where would you go?
~~ does it cover fantasy world? willy wonka's chocolate factory :D

15. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
~~ love, trust, and faith...among the people i care the most.

16. If you could undo doing one mistake in the past, what would it be?
~~ staying and hoping for waaaay too long...

17. If you have a chance, which part of your character would you like to change?
~~ the ridiculously selfish part.

18. What music have you been listening to recently?
~~ 'chase this light' and 'always be' by jimmy eat world.

19. What is your least favourite animal?
~~ cicak. x perlu wujud pun xpe. eww.

20. What would you prefer to be - a man or a woman?
~~ i choose woman. why? haha. you have to be a woman to know.

Tagging: nobeat, kazet, anim, syefa, hairie.