reposted. last. after this, i promise everything will be upbeat.

dan coba kami lafalkan...rangkaian Bahasa Hati.
-Letto Don'tMakeMeSad 2007



turun naik perasaan kini terasa amat mengganggu
bukan sahaja diri malah semua yang di sisi
seharusnya tidak begini seharusnya semua sempurna

namun tiada lagi kedengaran, pertuturan bahasa hati.

numb.

a huge part is still trapped in the past, and sometimes when the wave hits the only thing i can do is ask "why...?"

the answers will never be good so i have resorted to stop asking.

and stop feeling altogether.

many parts have died inside of me. i've changed, did you notice.


you don't have to ask why.

aneh kah kalau saya sudah mengidap writer's block selama lebih 6 bulan?

bye.

the river still flows.

expectations are not always met.
but at least we can show that we try.
and come as close as we possibly can instead of plainly giving up after claiming 'oh, i've tried!'

what a filthy hypocrite. (read: i mean yours truly)

because i give up all the time too.
but only in things concerning me.

because i, have no problem trying.

but trying alone is so not fun.

so instead of going with the flow, why not just float around here for a while? see if anyone would love to pull me from the deep end? or at least try. harder. but it's not their fault if they have tried and i'm still a stubborn little buoy. i appreciate every single minute of that.

do i really care where the current goes.
the river will forever flow.

it has a 'blue grin'

you're not doing justice to my webby if you call it just hijau or biru.

it was a turquoise kancil, dudes! blue-green is acceptable lah.
and i miss it so damn much.

total eclipse of the heart

it's weird, i never needed to run away from anything before. but listening to certain songs made me feel things i don't want to. so i plugged my ears (easy, as we ARE working with headsets all the time, anyway) and looped the first loud, blaring song i can click. couldn't be fast enough.

music drowns out everything for me and that's easy.

...once upon a time i was falling in love, now i'm only falling apart...

as if.

i finished editing all the files until March 31st 2010, except for the pending ones.
and i still feel indifferent.


i have been working too hard.







bite me.

i would love to have a 'pigment' of that dream!

"I have friends who swear they dream in color..
It's just a pigment of their imagination."







^_^ now this is cute.

tumbling hearts

"Samantha: I have to ask you a question. It's a good one so think about it. If two people love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?



Jerry: Never. "

The Mexican 

ahmad hussaini, masen, sayangku,

let's hit it with our best shot.

a heart, immune to patches.

like having your heart twisted and churned,
crashed and trampled,
shattered and burned...

yet you can't feel anything anymore.

instead of...

...the genuine smiles i had before,

now they're just fake, plastic grins.



life is fun and i know that.
it doesn't suck.
that only happens when i don't get what i want.
when things didn't happen the way i want it to be.

who am i to want?

if i keep adjusting my paper sailboat in the river, yes it might go where i want it to go.
but even if i let it sail on its own,
the current still goes.
the river still flows.

and the water will soak up the paper, it will still sink either way.



but life is fun.



so smile your plastic smile, grin your fake grin.

and go make your sailboat out of something other than paper.

just like footsteps

i make imprints on people's hearts.


imprints, like the way a picture leaves a mark on the plastic cover of your wallet..


like footsteps, though i try to never trample on those hearts..merely walked and touched gently, never hoping to be remembered but almost always will.


maybe that's important in this journey.



even if i go, the imprints will forever stay.




like footsteps.
 
 

smile. it's free.

what am i still being punished for.



but this morning i found a super-micro-tiny glimpse of happiness.



lembut je suara makcik tu.

sadly, that's the best kind of treatment anyone ever gave me lately.



"adik ada kad smile? ambiklah, free je."



free smiles. how ironic.



for the time being, my only smile you see will be plastic.



just like the card.







what am i still being punished for...

hold on, little girl

a broken heart can't be that bad.

mendung lagi. come on, weather!

kalau macam, lari, hilang... takdela kacau orang lagi.

dan takde buat orang rasa takbest or helpless.

walaupun cuma nak rasa worthy.


maybe that's a tall order.


"bang, nak oder."

'ah takleh, kau tak layak.'


ada jugakla rasa camtu.

words are only words.

evry time i heard the words "belauan vorteks," i teringat dia.

sama macam "telefonis"

"figura bonda"

"kala malam bulan mengambang"


and quite a few others.




vorteks. what a weird way to remember someone.

starlight

the heart could not handle a sudden surge of love.

and so it trudged out into the night, found a grassy hill overlooking the dimly lit town below and spilled the love out towards the skies.

the stars captured them, caught like shiny fishes in the sea of darkness, and they shone brighter, brighter still.

leaving the heart deprived...but happy.

and went on to search for something more.

stealing thunders

people are going one way, and you're going another
not a very good thing to do, to steal people's thunder.

XD


i'm all about being happy for everyone else. but gimme a break sumtime, kay?



i love my birthday with all the cliches.

esok pegi tepi laut, mari.

macam mana pula...

...prof yang aku tak pernah jumpa kat uni,

tapi hanya nampak plat nama dia je kat pintu bilik,

pintu bilik yang ketuk-ketuk-takde-orang-bukak,

sebab dia sangat sibuk ke sana ke sini bukan seperti aku yang hanya sibuk menghuha sana huha sini,

tiba2 aku jumpa dia dalam program yang perlu diterjemah.

hai, prof.

long time no see at all.






apa khabar biawak di tasik usm?

speaking of which, i dreamt of many biawaks last night.

ada apa2 interpretasi mimpi?

rupanya...

...aku yang menyibuk selama ni.




how many times pilihan terpaksa dibuat? untuk dikejar, dikendong, atau mungkin berciciran.



i didn't know. i didn't know i didn't know i didn't know.



i messed up. big time.


"i love, but i also hurt."



i feel very defeated. semua tuduhan itu, yes i'm guilty as charged.
defeated. sangat.
hilang, dah takde rasa apa2, no more anger hatred jealousy frustration disappointment. i leave only love. i never doubted that, i know it is deep, thank you. appreciate it very much.

i accept everything.


if people ask me not to feel, i will not feel.


this is a clean slate.




saya duduk diam-diam kat sini tak kacau orang, okay.

/end.

"it's about time." yes, both meanings intended.

seeing the bigger picture sometimes makes us forget about the finer details.

but focusing on details alone pun tak bagus juga.

it messes up my head.

and so it led me to thinking, how long is forever? (mmg kaitan dia mcm jauh, but hey. i have my reasons.)

people always have an issue with the sense of time.
maybe it's because time is the only thing we can't control.
yes, we can't control death or birth or coincidences or luck or whatever else too, but at least people can do something to trigger those events.

but not time.

no matter what you try to do, nobody can make it stop, go faster, slower or turn it back.

time seems to stop when you fall in love, time seems to fly by when you're having fun, and it seems to drag on when you're suffering.
cuti sem selalu rasa sekejap, kelas yang bosan rasa macam tak habis2.
it feels like forever when you're in a lousy interview, feels like only yesterday that i met you.

still i can't find the true meaning of forever.

maybe it just means "now..."

...stretched to a timeframe we could never comprehend.

18 minit selepas kisahdewadewi

ain't it funny how young lovers start as friends?

okay, tak. itu saje je untuk starting yang kononnya retorik dan cuba menarik perhatian....siapa?

do i still have any more readers?
komen daripada yang paling diingini pun tiada selalunya.

but hey.
ini kisah hidup yang dah lama tak diceritakan dengan nada colloquial, sebab mungkin selama ni blog ini kaku. biarlah. ini cerita.

pagi yang bangun awal memang best. sebab by 9 or 10, you've accomplished so much and it's still early.
mahu pulang dan menggembirakan orang, pulang dan bring breakfast or brunch or something untuk orang sebab sendiri pun takmakan lagi tapi bila orang enggan, takpelah.

but i have a problem with letting go lah.

patutnye i just say okay, no biggie. move on. wheee.

but noooo. i just have to be like this kan. this is who i am kan.
if people can accept others why can't they accept me.
even when i know i am far better than them.

wait.

who am i to say im better than anyone?

okay takpe.

and so, i can do that.
not imposing rules or whatever (have i ever imposed anything before? huh.)
and letting things be.

and letting orang be happy on their own.

and sometimes let them make me happy for a change.

if people can datang surprise me at home, jom pergi sini, jom buat ini, saya akan gembira.
doesn't take much to make me happy. but still.
susah je.

yeah, it's always me me me.

takpelah. happy saturday, peeps.


i go bring all this energy elsewhere. (or ada tak word 'elsewho'? ekeke)

kisahdewadewi

mungkin kerana itu aku mencari seniman...
kerana mereka sama ada telah merasai semuanya, atau langsung tiada keinginan untuk mencuba.

through what they believe and how they think they must have seen it all and thus they won't hurt me.


but life is not the way i trust it to be.

maka cintafairytale itu, maybe it's all in my head.

should i, could i, would i?

life is easy if you comprehend it from a narrow perspective.
satu hala je. one answer for everything. this is good, this is bad, you draw the line.

easier too, from a wider perspective.
nothing bothers you that much because you've seen them all.


easier still if someone understands you.

but he couldn't if you wouldn't let them.



should i let you understand me completely?

The Deep End

im not good at estimating distance. or for this matter, depth.
that explains why i usually found myself at the deep end of the swimming pool without realizing it.
only that happened when i was younger, as opposed to now, when im better at evaluating a situation and weighing the pros and cons of my decisions, in and out of water.
however, i am human. no matter how i try to choose the right thing, i still make mistakes once in a while. im uncertain of my decisions, most of the time.
but i do things my way. i don't really care what will happen as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else but me.
i don't care if it's too fast, too soon. so instead of estimating the depths in this particular relationship, im just going with my instincts.

and i don't care whether i should just wade in the shallow part for now ... or dive straight into the deep end.


[...kau dan aku menenun puisi demi puisi
mencari intisari suatu nilai, suatu erti...]

i dont know u that well, baby, but thanks

strangers or semi-strangers slalu ajar saya tentang life.

luvit!

*will update this post later. skrg nk g hq nk audition.
eh i mean training. egege~*

world's greatest musical prodigy

pic from here
and here's the full story

to me, it's a perfect portrayal of serenity and being in her comfort zone.

she's one cool kid.

ah, innocence.
come and take me back.

one split second

in one split second, a person's face could portray its true feelings.

it is shown in one split second before a laugh or a cry, a smile, a frown, or however they try to react. looks can be deceiving but the split second won't. that is why the same person you see could look very different then compared to now.

i have known and experienced this.

when people say they fall in love with someone because of how they look, i don't think they mean their face but their expression. maybe they have somehow seen the person's naked, bare and true soul through that split second portrayal.

but what good will that be, do we have to know it all.some things are better left unsaid, untouched, unknown.let them hide behind their masks. let their true feelings lay hidden. ignore what you see, they might not want anyone to know.

because if looks can be deceiving, maybe hearts can too.

i've been feeling invisible XOXOs throughout the day..

i am perfectly unperfect.

there was once when i thought showing off your love is wrong.

there was once when i thought not showing off your love is wrong.

but i see things being done, everyday, and people usually do what they preach not to.
i've seen a lot yet i haven't seen everything.
i experienced a lot yet i learned nothing.
selfishly i will say, yeah but everyone else learned something.
i learned stuff too but im too proud to admit.
i want to be seen as cool yet sometimes i received the opposite.
i wanted to be seen as in love yet sometimes it was ridiculed.
there's a lot that i want yet i didn't think of what you want.
there's a lot that i've done but maybe i was required to do something more.
there's a lot that i've received and i appreciate all of it...but maybe i didn't show it.
for fear of rejection or ignorance.
as usual.

i hurt people around me especially the ones i love the most.
and everything i do will only make it worse.
but i'll do it anyway ^_^

i am imperfect, i always will be.

epal jatuh

tgk gugel harini!

XD

happy birthday sir isaac newton!